Which Kind of Mom are You?

Are you a mom who focuses on comparisons or a mom who focuses on filling gaps?

Let me explain. 

 

I wish I was a fun Mom like her.

Why can’t I be more organized like her?

Could my house be as clean as their house…at least once?

My kids act so much better than their kids.

Comparison.

It’s not good and it’s not healthy.

This past September, I received an email from my son’s 1^st grade teacher. She informed me that based on his beginning of year assessments, his reading scores were low and we needed to meet to make a plan to help him. During our meeting, we created a plan and started working on it that day. My son was never phased. He hardly ever complained when I had him do extra reading with me.  By the middle of year assessments, he had placed above where he needed to be by the end of the year in two of the areas. The last area wasn’t where it needed to be, but we saw progress!!

When I first met with his teacher to discuss the test scores in September, I bawled like a baby. Like, ugly cry bawling. I had convinced myself that I was a horrible mom for not realizing that he was struggling as a reader. To make matters worse, I AM A TEACHER! I should have noticed he wasn’t where he should have been, right?  Why did I not read with him more? Did I fail him in his reading? I mean, we didn’t read AT ALL during the summer so “maybe” that had something to do with it. (Oops!). Was I too lazy in the summer to read with him?

Instead of focusing on the positives that were coming out of this experience like more quality time with him while reading or that he was receiving the supports he needed – I was focusing on the negatives. I started comparing myself as a mom with other moms that I knew. As I’m sure you can imagine, this wasn’t a helpful idea. I basically started listing all the ways I thought I was failing as a mom and stating all the ways these other moms were succeeding.

My pastor said this quote one Sunday and it has really stuck with me:

“The problem with comparing yourself with others is one of two things will happen: comparison either makes you jealous because you feel inferior or it makes you arrogant because you feel better than the other.”

As I started comparing myself with all these other moms, I felt completely inferior. I was fixated on all my negatives concerning one area and made the general assumption that I was in fact a really bad mom. It’s not true though. I am a good mom. I’m definitely not perfect, but is anyone? I make mistakes daily.

Instead of comparing, why don’t we share ideas with each other? Share with other moms what has worked for us and what hasn’t. As corny as this saying sounds –

Don’t compare – instead, share!

I heard another mom mention that she enjoys being a “gap filler” for other moms. She helps her friends by taking carpool shifts and babysitting for date nights. What a great way to look at it! If we focused on being gap fillers for other moms, we would definitely rock at this parenting thing!

My friend, Kristin, is a great example of the importance of being a gap filler. I have work meetings on Wednesdays and Thursdays during carpool time. She graciously helps me by picking up my kids on those days. She is unable to pick up on Mondays, so I do pick ups then. Another example occurred during Christmas time. I really wanted to help in my son’s class for his class party but my work schedule wouldn’t allow it. What I could do was come up with the craft and buy the supplies for the class. Kristin taught the craft to the class during the party. We filled the gaps together.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

What a true statement. Don’t let comparison rob you of your joy! Be a mom who fills gaps for other moms instead of comparing yourself with them.

I leave you with these final thoughts:

1. Stop comparing. Everyone is different. You have strengths and you have weaknesses. Focus on your strengths and share those strengths with others.
2. Stop judging. Mom-judging is the worst. Whether a family homeschools when you think they need to be in a traditional school environment or whether a mom chooses to work full-time in the work place or stay at home full-time, it’s not your decision. We all must do what works best for our family and our situation.
3. Be a gap-filler. How can you help a fellow mom out? How can they help you out? Remember, it takes a village so don’t try to do it on your own.
4. Be an encourager! Take a fellow mom some ice cream or chocolate cake on those hard days and let her know she’s not alone.